Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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