Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
