When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
