I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
