I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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