Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
