Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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