laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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