she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
