I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
