You're my little dorito
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
