i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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