I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
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btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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