Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
