'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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