New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
