Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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