Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
