Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
