I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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