If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
i've created a new STD.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I am mentally ready for anal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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