Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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