Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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