and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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