the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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