Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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