It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
