Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
