If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
