I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
