I just threw up on my dentist
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
