the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you had me at cake vodka
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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