i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.