she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
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What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.