i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
reminds me of losing my job
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts