I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
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Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.