My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
