idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
