you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
