If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
