New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
