I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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