Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
