I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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