If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
