You smell like stripper and shame
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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