my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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