The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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