I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
