You really coming over, don't trick.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
