how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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