I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
