i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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