All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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