Can i not drive my cunt home
I didn't shave. On purpose
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
