sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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