pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
