yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
