I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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